Your benevolent King of Spice is back to gaze longingly into the crystal ball. Every week, I will attempt to predict the highly improbable goings on in the NFL from a fantasy lens. I also took a stab at the 2024 season from a macro view here. I earned my crown by cooking up the best hot sauce on the planet, while simultaneously attacking fantasy drafts and NFL DFS lobbies with reckless abandon.

Kevin Harlan would howl “With no regard for human life!” Ok, maybe that’s a slight embellishment. There’s still a reputation to uphold here. The more outlandish and en fuego, the better. My greatest hits over the years play like Tavon Austin tape at West Virginia and have paved the way to fantasy football glory for countless loyal readers.

I’m no heathen. There are rules I govern myself with. These aren’t one-liners, nay nay. Each spicy prediction (hot take) will be a multifaceted, convoluted tarot reading I hope will read like a headline once the clock hits triple zeroes. As much as I would love to gloat mercilessly on social media at my clairvoyance, all parts of the prediction must be accurate.

Finally, I don’t actually care about my winning percentage. I’d rather hit on a handful of truly insane, ayahuasca-laced shots in the dark than a bunch of watered-down takes that anyone could have foreseen. On your mark, get set… let’s get spicy.

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Week 1 Fantasy Football Hot Takes

Jerome Ford Trucks His Way to 160 Scrimmage Yards and Two Touchdowns as the Browns Embarrass the Cowboys in a Multi-Score Drubbing

I am a Cowboys fan. Tortured and jaded, I’ve been battered into permanent saltiness toward America’s Team. They are not a good football team, especially in the trenches. Cleveland’s offense figures to be fast-paced and explosive on the ground, perfect for exploiting the soft underbelly of Mike Zimmer’s defense.

Jerome Ford is the class of the Browns backfield with Nick Chubb on the mend. He has great vision and is an explosive playmaker, especially in the passing game. Dallas will have no answers up front, nor will they be able to consistently move the chains with their makeshift offensive line. I’m so bearish on Dallas that I won’t watch them this year. Part of me hopes I’m wrong. Most of my being foreshadows a complete implosion to force a rebuild.

The “Under New Management” Falcons Completely Annihilate the Steelers by 20 points, as Drake London Scores More PPR Points than Arthur Smith’s Offense Scores Total Points

It truly is stunning how many people think the Steelers will be good this year. Mike Tomlin is a good football coach, but his coordinator selections in recent years have called his judgment into serious question. Arthur Smith was given immensely talented personnel in his supposedly smart system and yet didn’t surpass 30 points in regulation even once in his three seasons in Atlanta.

He’s almost as terrible as Zac Robinson is exciting for said talented personnel. Drake London wallowed under Smith, neglected to the point where many started doubting his ability. Kyle Pitts and Bijan Robinson are going to ball the eff out this year too. London will be the dawg right out of the gate.

QB Sensei Shane Steichen Unleashes a Healthy Anthony Richardson Upon the Favored Texans to the Tune of 35 Fantasy Points and QB1 for the Week; Colts and Texans have the Highest Total of the Week with 72

This intra-divisional rivalry is going to have fireworks. Anthony Richardson was a baller for fantasy managers in the brief healthy snapshot last year. Injuries derailed nearly all the good fantasy players in Indy. Jonathan Taylor and Michael Pittman are back, as is rookie standout slot Josh Downs.

Alec Pierce is expected to take a leap, while incoming rookie Adonai Mitchell has oodles of explosive potential. Houston’s ascent to greatness is well-documented. C.J. Stroud has weapons galore. DFS players take note. This is the game I’m stacking with furious aggression.

Freakish NorCal Native Brock Bowers is the Top TE in PPR Scoring With 120 Scrimmage Yards and a Touchdown, Raiders “Upset” Jim Harbaugh’s Chargers in Lowest Total of the Week

While I don’t believe either of these AFC West teams will look great in 2024, they do have a few underrated pieces for us fantasy degenerates. Brock Bowers is the best TE prospect in the history of the game. His football IQ is off the charts. Bowers has ridiculous athleticism, enough to garner a steady drip of rushing volume for the freaking University of Georgia.

The Raiders already have a good young TE in Michael Mayer, but Bowers was simply too good to pass up. He will eviscerate this Chargers defense. Although this game will plod along with field position and clock control on both sides, the stars will shine.