“While we were sleeping, those elves were busy.” My wife and I never envisioned becoming “Elf on the Shelf” parents. We were especially surprised when the first elf, “Minty,” was gifted to our daughter at age eight, plenty of years later than her friends.
We chided those parents before. Those poor suckers, scrambling through Instagram looking for clever ideas for the morning surprise. The real surprise is running around in a daze at six in the morning because we forgot to move the damned thing the night before.
Our little girl has a complicated relationship with Christmas. Her birthday is on the 29th, meaning we have made it our lot in life to have all of the tinsel and lights torn down like the statues at Saddam’s palace before she blows out the candles on another trip around the sun.
She’s turning 11 this year. The tree was up before Thanksgiving and I nearly fell off the roof hanging lights while the candles still smelled of pumpkin spice. She now has two elves. Minty is joined by “April,” an androgynous elf with darker skin, along with a St. Bernard (from the North Pole), an arctic fox, and a reindeer missing an antler from a close encounter with our playful border collie. The child already knows the truth about Santa Claus and the Christmas spirit but loves to humor us on the precarious hijinks this crew gets involved in before we pack them back into the totes and onto the storage racks in the garage.
We thought we were home free. Only child, well-adjusted, mature for her age; still wants to play the game and put her folks through the ringer. Kid, we’re exhausted. We both sincerely hope these leave you with indelible memories that you will cherish and pass on to future generations. The other part of us yearns for elves to be shelved indefinitely. Hershey’s kisses can only be little reindeer poops a few times before they lose their luster. Powdered sugar and tiny marshmallows are only snow banks and plastic wrap over the bathroom sink is only a skating rink through bloodshot eyes. Wondrous child, even Starbucks is worried about your mom and dad. They spelled our names correctly this morning and that’s a really loud cry for help.
Humor me on my horrendously cheesy dad jokes. Roll your eyes when your mom and I ask you to pick up your laundry for the third time. Make us question our sanity every morning when you refuse to get out of bed and get dressed for school. I know I’ll be a blithering puddle when you’re all grown up and I wish you were still almost 11. At present, I just want to sleep peacefully and wake up without an alarm clock thundering in my right ear. It isn’t your fault, dear. I just needed to vent.
Exhale. Week 15 ushers in the fantasy football playoffs. If you’ve made it to this checkpoint, congratulations! Anything can (and will) happen over the next three weeks. Whatever you do, don’t look back. The boulevard is littered with injured stars and frivolous FAAB spending on players who returned no dividends. The triumphs along the way also mean diddly squat now. We worked to get this far and now we leave it entirely up to fate. Well, not entirely. This week’s storylines follow the persistent drumbeat of injured players and the painstaking task of constructing a winning lineup without them.
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Week 15 Fantasy Football Storylines (2023)
Mr. Unlimited Under a Roof
The Denver Broncos have been as strong in the second half of the season as they were pitiful over the first month of 2023. Russell Wilson has joined Courtland Sutton in a tale of fantasy football resurrection. Jerry Jeudy has not yet joined that party, while the Denver running game has developed a touchdown allergy. In their Saturday night date with the Lions in Detroit, something truly must give.
Detroit played their final outdoor game of the season last week. They were thoroughly embarrassed by the Bears (called it) and called into question their validity as an NFC contender, despite having nine wins in the bank. When Jared Goff gazes skyward, seeing some sort of ceiling puts him at ease. Dan Campbell and Ben Johnson have unleashed speedy rookie Jahmyr Gibbs in recent weeks, while leaning on Amon-Ra St. Brown and Sam LaPorta in the passing game. Look for Saturday night to have oodles of quarterfinal implications, so have your popcorn ready.
That’s My Bike
The 49ers are winless without Deebo Samuel. Those same three games were also without all-pro left tackle Trent Williams, but for the sake of this story let’s keep it to the exploits of the “wide back” from South Carolina. Miss me with the Brock Purdy for MVP nonsense. By my calculations, he’s about the fifth-most valuable player on his own offense (that’s far from a bad thing). Samuel has been utterly unstoppable in 2023, after vowing to never let his letdown 2022 season happen again. Deebo has stretched the field as a receiver, especially versus zone coverage, in addition to his unparalleled work chewing up yards after the catch in those extended run plays that pad Purdy’s stats. He should have a massive day against the Cardinals.
San Francisco is a scary team. They are the best roster in the NFL, while also getting much more from their young QB than anyone could have imagined. Purdy is the perfect quarterback for dialing up varying game plans to Kyle Shanahan’s whim. Where other quarterbacks in the Bay Area hampered the coach, Purdy unlocks every quadrant of the field to use the best weaponry in professional football any way deemed suitable. Brandon Aiyuk is awesome. George Kittle is elite. Christian McCaffrey is, well, CMC. Add in a strong defense and it will take a really good day at the office, along with a flat performance from the Niners, to knock them off their pedestal.
Battering Rams
The NFC West is back to being one of the league’s strongest. While Seattle and San Francisco are getting their just desserts, the Los Angeles Rams have barely been mentioned alongside them. Most of us in the fantasy realm are still grinning at the immense return on investment we have enjoyed with Puka Nacua and Kyren Williams. Our patience is also being rewarded on Cooper Kupp, thanks to Matthew Stafford‘s savvy veteran leadership and unwavering talent. Sean McVay is still one of the most brilliant offensive minds in the sport. What’s not to love here? The Rams host the Commanders and their absolutely putrid pass defense on Sunday and it’s going off like a rocket.
On the other side of the ball, the Rams defense has held serve. They will have their hands full with Washington’s pass-heavy approach. Sam Howell is on a roll with QB1 performances this season, despite Terry McLaurin and Jahan Dotson not often included in the party. That will change on Sunday. This is shaping up to be a shootout.
An Orchard Park Brawl
The Dallas Cowboys and Buffalo Bills are a lot more similar than their records would suggest. Dallas sits atop the NFC East alongside Philadelphia, while Buffalo has frittered away a few winnable games and is desperate to stay in the wild card race. Josh Allen and James Cook have been the stars since Ken Dorsey was canned in favor of Joe Brady. Cook has averaged 19 touches per game since that mark, something we were all hoping would have happened from Week 1 onward. Allen is a touchdown-scoring machine, albeit with a bit of a turnover issue, similar to how Dak Prescott played last season.
Dak is charging to the top of the MVP conversation, but one slip-up could cost him (and the Cowboys) the chance at a home playoff game. The Bills are really tough at home in Orchard Park and are not to be trifled with. The Cowboys will need to once again win with opportunistic, aggressive defense. They will also need to continue feeding Tony Pollard, who has looked his usual explosive self since Week 9. The QBs will garner the headlines, but the meat of the storyline falls in the trenches. Let’s hope the weather isn’t so nasty that our fantasy stars are hindered in the fantasy quarterfinals.
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