I think a lot about the thoughtful gifts I’ve received over the years. There were those custom-made beaver skin house slippers from my late stepfather he had made in Alaska. He had everyone trace their feet months prior, only snickering that it was for a surprise. When I say they’re the warmest slippers I’ve ever worn, I mean it. If the mercury hasn’t fallen below freezing, my feet would be sitting in a pool of sweat in a couple of minutes. I guess that’s another way they’re thoughtful.
My mom still keeps that tradition. Every “kid” in the family gets their own gift basket at the big dinner around the solstice. It’s a big basket (or Yeti cooler, beverage tub, tool box, etc.) full of handmade gifts and specialty food items. My basket also has gifts for my wife, daughter and pets (all the babies). Mom caters the gifts to our particular interests and they are always spot on.
That night begins with a feast. We prepare a surf and turf dinner at the big dinner table with the middle leaf inserted. The fancy silverware and glassware is laid upon a very old plaid tablecloth with a centerpiece designed by my very fashionable stepbrother. It’s a rarity to have everyone under the same roof apart from this night. Drinks flow freely as a fire crackles in the old Amish stove. We play dice and cards and sneak out to the garage to smoke while the children help Nanny (my mom) organize the baskets. When she hollers for us, we revert back into mischievous kids and sit crisscross applesauce on the bricks in the octagon room under the 15-foot tree.
“Papa” has been gone for a couple of years now, but I’ve never felt like he wasn’t still there to crack jokes and tease the kids about “landing on the naughty list again.” The tradition of giving has persisted like a drumbeat. Where some are eager to complain about the commercialization of the holiday season, we are eager to dig into our basket in search of knitted boot socks and Aunt Bonnie’s chocolate-dipped pretzels and popcorn. Grandma Barbara is well into her 80s now, but still fills an entire tabletop with baked desserts like berry cobbler and lemon ricotta cookies. Through triumphs and lean years, sharing our time on one long wintry night brings warmth when the wind has teeth.
The fantasy football season has been whittled to the semifinal round. Most leagues have a final four, whom I envision are painstakingly tinkering with their starting lineups, gnashing at the bit for the action to get underway. A win this week puts a team in the money. It is a culmination of the toil and trouble over 16 agonizing weeks and the turmoil inflicted upon us all season long. Week 16 is also arguably the best slate of games we’ve had in four months.
Two games on Saturday, Dec. 23, are followed by 10 on Christmas Eve and three more on Christmas Day. It will be mayhem. Pandemonium will ensue, with football fans torn asunder by the game they love while ribbon and bows are flung skyward. You want conflict? Try to explain to that one aunt that no one likes that you need another big performance from someone who dances like a penguin when he scores. She will sneer at you with her wine-stained teeth and tell you to get a life. Sure, Trisha. I’ll get right on that and no, I don’t want to hear about the latest “tiered marketing” scheme you fell for. Deck the halls and jingle the bells. We’re going ship-chasing.
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Week 16 Fantasy Football Storylines (2023)
Oh Common Sense, Where Art Thou?
In consecutive weeks, there have been distinct moments of catharsis among fantasy football fans. Week 14 saw Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Jake Browning lead a comeback win over the team that cut him three times and left him out to dry at a hotel. Last week, the Atlanta Falcons pulled off a master class in losing football. Arthur Smith, the Cold Miser of coaching and archenemy of all things fantasy football, managed to install a run game that earned 1.7 yards per carry against the stone-worst run defense in the NFL. Atlanta scored only one touchdown to three Carolina Panthers field goals and dropped to 6-8 on the season. Prodigal running back talent Bijan Robinson touched the ball eight times for 14 yards and lost a fumble. The blame for legions of fantasy teams seeing their season burst into flames falls entirely on the coach who did the same to his own team’s playoff chances.
Despite having the league’s easiest schedule and three skill players worthy of recent top-10 draft picks, Arthur Smith met criticism for his team’s performance with condescension and hubris. Falcons wideout Drake London should care about his stats. Kyle Pitts should be weaponized in red zone scoring opportunities. Robinson should eclipse any other option from the backfield to maximize his opportunities to showcase that game-breaking talent. None of that happened this past week in soggy Charlotte. Smith and the Dirty Birds get the tattered Colts this week in a game where nearly everyone will be cheering against Atlanta to accelerate the coach’s dismount from the high horse whose stirrups have never felt the leather of a boot for climbing. Don’t expect the players with household names to suddenly bear fruit with your fantasy season on the line, either. Consider the whole venture squandered, even if Smith is willing to die trying to somehow win games with good players. I’d say we should all send him some mirrors to show him whose fault it is, but FedEx would probably lose the packages anyway.
It’s Not Tight End Heaven, It’s Iowa
From Dallas Clark to Tony Moeaki and Noah Fant to TJ Hockenson, The University of Iowa has churned out some stellar tight ends. Sam LaPorta is chiseled from the same granite as George Kittle and, like Kittle, landed on a good team with an outstanding offensive coach. LaPorta leads all tight ends in receiving touchdowns this season with nine. His 758 receiving yards also rank fourth among all tight ends. Offensive coordinator Ben Johnson has been dialing up good game plans all season and “Sammy Ballgame” has delivered on all the hype that surrounded him entering his rookie season as a first round pick.
The Lions rebounded from their loss in Chicago in a big way this past week. LaPorta scored three times and Jared Goff was nearly perfect. They head into Minnesota to take on Hockenson and the reeling Vikings. Minnesota sits at 7-7 and is expected to use Nick Mullens at starting quarterback again. The big story with the Vikings is the emergence of running back Ty Chandler. He scored 24.70 PPR points this past week in the loss to Cincinnati and performed better in his first NFL start than Alexander Mattison has at any point in his career. For the Vikings to hold serve and keep their playoff hopes alive on Christmas Eve, they must continue to feed Chandler and find a way to keep Mullens upright long enough to find his talented receivers, Justin Jefferson and Jordan Addison (and Hockenson).
Brought Up on Fraudulent Charges
They’re calling this the “Fraud Bowl.” It’s a disrespectful name, fed by the narrative that the Dallas Cowboys and Miami Dolphins are only good against teams with losing records. Dallas was crushed in Buffalo this past week, while the Dolphins rebounded after their collapse against the Tennessee Titans with a shutout drubbing over the New York Jets. These are the two highest-scoring teams in the NFL. Miami has also played excellent defense since cornerback Jalen Ramsey returned from his knee injury to make his Dolphins debut. The Cowboys defense has carried the team in stretches this season, while also costing them last week when they surrendered a metric ton of rushing yards to James Cook and the Bills. Call me crazy, but I think both of these teams are underrated.
The fantasy implications in this game alone are staggering. Running back Raheem Mostert is tied with Christian McCaffrey with 20 touchdowns this season, even though he shares the load with freakish rookie De’Von Achane. Then there’s Tua Tagovailoa and his deft duo of receivers, Tyreek Hill and Jaylen Waddle. The Dolphins are coached by a veritable genius and will be ready to light up the scoreboard at home in South Florida. Dallas has quarterback Dak Prescott and wide receiver CeeDee Lamb, who have each been awesome this season, but the resurgence of running backTony Pollard and emergence of Jake Ferguson at tight ends are the glue that hold the team’s scoring prospects together. The Cowboys have stark home-road splits, so they will be under a giant microscope this week in a game that means a ton to both teams.
Knocking Slobber Under the Mistletoe
The star on top of this week’s Douglas Fir is Monday night’s clash between the Baltimore Ravens and San Francisco 49ers from Levi’s Stadium. The two best teams in the NFL will duke it out while I wipe away my fifth eggnog mustache. Lamar Jackson is still my choice for NFL MVP this season, despite loud clamoring for either McCaffrey or 49ers quarterback Brock Purdy to earn that distinction. There is no wrong answer; these teams have each been outstanding and are the only two teams in the NFL who enter the week with 11 wins. Believe it or not, this one comes down to defense.
Where Dallas and Miami square off with the two best scoring offenses, the Ravens and 49ers sport the two best scoring defenses in the NFL. Baltimore’s pass defense is the better of the two, while San Francisco is third in the league in run defense. I believe the Ravens to be the better of the two at full strength, but they are nowhere near as healthy as the 49ers are this week. Receiver Deebo Samuel has been unstoppable this season, while Kittle and fellow wideout Brandon Aiyuk have persisted as two of the most complete players in the league at their respective positions. My one fear is that this one will be a trench war without much scoring, leaving fantasy managers with one final gasp that will be like a lump of coal in your stocking that you can’t even burn for warmth.
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