My adolescent days weren’t very eventful. My hometown still has a population of just a smidge over 7,000 people and my high school graduation class had barely more than 200 students strong. I was pretty square; I didn’t get into much trouble and opted for insomnia-driven video games and movie-watching marathons over parties and dating. Naturally, I stayed local and attended Butte Community College.

That’s right. I went to the same college as Aaron Rodgers and Hall of Fame offensive lineman Larry Allen. I did some pre-law undergrad stuff and supported myself with graveyard shifts at a travel plaza and writing legal briefs for clueless criminal justice students. It was about the time I turned 21 that I transferred to the infamous party school, Chico State. That’s when my square edges were rounded off in a hurry.

Getting hired at Costco accelerated the process even more. I lost 55 pounds during my 90-day probationary period, where my manager warned all the new hires, “If you’re not running, you might as well walk out the door.” I looked good and felt great. My confidence soared when I was actually invited to cool parties pretty much every day. I met Rodgers at one of those parties and sat on a tattered couch drinking beer and talking football for a good while. That core memory is the reason why the tongue-in-cheek sarcasm he dishes to the cameras doesn’t come across as arrogant or prickly to me.

Another core memory is when Mad Dash Pizza & Wings came to campus to drum up interest in their grand opening. Right in the middle of the quad, they offered free pizza and wings for a year if a person could down a dozen chicken wings doused in ghost pepper sauce. The owner joked that he wore rubber gloves and goggles while he prepared the sauce and I still chuckled along with him as I signed the waiver. I donned the gloves and goggles and made a Lincoln log cabin out of the clean bones, smiling through the immense discomfort in an effort to conceal how absolutely brutal the ordeal was.

I celebrated pretty much every good grade at Mad Dash that year and took a few dates there. It was a few miles from campus and entirely inconvenient, but there was no chance I was missing out on throwing a couple of large pepperoni pies and a bunch of Buffalo wings in my fridge every weekend. I don’t even remember the food being that good, but free food just tastes better anyway.

Circling back to football, my Week 10 predictions were very close on the results side. The stats didn’t come through for me, but it was nice to see my brazenly spicy predictions have merit once again. Some of my takes this season were enrobed in ghost pepper sauce and brought me tears of anguish. I hope you all enjoy the sweat with me. My emotions on Sunday run the gamut, from desolate lows to utter jubilation. I’m too much of a realist to let the Dallas Cowboys get to me like that anymore, and I’m in too many fantasy leagues to be affected by most performances. It’s this column that gets me fired up to watch football.

Let’s dig into this week’s mad dash to perfectly predicting improbable (but plausible) fantasy football performances.

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Fantasy Football Hot Takes: Week 11

Dorian Thompson-Robinson Bends Steel for 20 Fantasy Points; Cleveland Buries Pittsburgh by Double Digits

I’ll admit my bias, since I consider Thompson-Robinson a friend, but he’s a lot better than most people realize. The fifth-round pick out of UCLA is a true dual threat and a coach’s dream, character-wise. The Cleveland Browns lost a close one in Pittsburgh in Week 2. That was the night running back Nick Chubb suffered a serious knee injury that cost his 2023 season and the Steelers scored two touchdowns on defense.

The game tape shows Pittsburgh to be one of the worst 6-3 teams in history. They’ve seemingly gotten a lucky break or horrendous officiating in their favor in every game this season. Head coach Mike Tomlin is still a legend, but I believe Cleveland is a much better team. DTR only needs to continue to manage the game like Deshaun Watson and let the Myles Garrett-led defense chew up Kenny Pickett and the Steelers’ Matt Canada offense.

I predict DTR will pass for 200 yards and a touchdown, rush for at least 50 yards and score another touchdown. If this one comes true, I will find a new level of obnoxious.

Garrett Wilson Torches Buffalo’s Secondary for 120 Yards and a Touchdown; Jets Continue to Have Buffalo’s Number in Upset Road Win

What’s the matter with the Buffalo Bills? They have an extremely talented roster and have made a few deep playoff runs in recent years, but now they can’t stop shooting themselves in the foot. I don’t think enough people place enough blame on bad coaching when good teams can’t seem to win games. Sean McDermott has regressed as a head coach this season and the first axe has already descended upon a scapegoat with the firing of offensive coordinator Ken Dorsey.

But the real problem has been with McDermott’s defense.

New York Jets wide receiver Garrett Wilson is still somehow on pace for 1,200 receiving yards this season. Zach Wilson has been one of the worst QBs in the NFL and his alpha receiver still makes opposing defenses look silly on a weekly basis. With how the Bills have been shredded by good receivers this season, I’m surprised Wilson only had 34 yards in New York’s Week 1 win at MetLife.

The game plan should be similar for the Jets this time around. They will get after Bills quarterback Josh Allen with a four-man rush and force him to throw into tight windows – something he has struggled with immensely this season. On offense, the Jets should continue to funnel the ball to their star wiedout and set up play action to get running back Breece Hall loose early. The Jets have the recipe to stymy Buffalo and should cook them again.

Cole Kmet Scores Multiple Touchdowns for the Third Time This Season; Justin Fields Returns from Injury to Lead Bears to Shootout Win in Detroit

Miss me with the Justin Fields slander. He is multitudes better than Tyson Bagent and instantly makes the Chicago Bears a better team. Where most fantasy managers are eager to fire up DJ Moore with the starting QB back on the field, I’m looking for tight end Cole Kmet to stay in rhythm and have a big day. Detroit is 22nd at defending the TE position this year. Kmet has scored five touchdowns this season, with multiple scores against the Denver Broncos and New Orleans Saints. I think he does it again in the Motor City.

The Detroit Lions are a really good football team and are expected to handle their division rivals at home. I do think they put up 30 points on a putrid Bears defense, but fall short when they can’t slow down a resurgent Fields. Detroit has the Green Bay Packers early on Thanksgiving and might be caught looking ahead. I’ll be stacking this game in DFS hoping for some leverage on the field.

Isiah Pacheco Gashes Philly for 150 Scrimmage Yards and a Top-5 RB Performance; Chiefs Obliterate Eagles in Super Bowl Rematch by Two Touchdowns

It was brought to my attention that I predict the Kansas City Chiefs to lose in upsets quite often in this column. Another damning truth is I’ve never actually gotten it right when doing so. This is my attempt to bring balance back to the universe. In one of the most eagerly anticipated Monday night games of the season, we get a rematch of this past season’s Super Bowl at Arrowhead Stadium. The home Chiefs are only favored by 2.5 points, which means Vegas thinks Philadelphia is a slightly stronger team (the home team usually lays three points by default). That’s rubbish. Both teams are very good, but only one has played championship-level defense in 2023.

This is a get-right game for the Chiefs offense. The Eagles have been ripped to shreds through the air this season and will almost certainly overcompensate for this distinct disadvantage with quarterback Patrick Mahomes and tight end Travis Kelce on the other side of the field. Although Philly has the best run defense in the NFL, a lot of that can be attributed to game script. Most teams get very pass heavy to hold serve with Jalen Hurts and the Eagles offense, as well as playing into the perceived weakness in the Philadelphia nickel coverage. I think the Chiefs win with defense and gashing soft boxes with their furious runner from Rutgers, Pacheco. I know I’m setting myself up for blame if this goes sideways, but something has to give.

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