So your fantasy football roster is in shambles from injuries and incompetent coaching, there’s good news! Just kidding… the first round of byes are on the docket for Week 5. The four teams taking the week off also have a good number of fantasy-relevant players who will blot out the bench with blood-red lettering and darkness. This game is so much fun (teardrops).

So much for actual football storylines, the NFL has been engulfed in Swiftie Mania. Travis Kelce‘s…err…relationship (?) with the music megastar has brought the sport a nauseating amount of tabloid fodder and primetime camera cutaways. Never shy with dumping coal into the engagement engine, the league is full steam ahead in embracing its new football-indifferent base in any way possible. I don’t mind Taylor Swift at all. The beef isn’t with the two people, but instead with the Bird Box level of coerced viewership. Let’s all hope Tay’s calendar leaves her too busy to attend Chiefs games in the near future.

The games that are being played this week hold oodles of intrigue for the fantasy sportsperson. Between a heated rivalry game (and playoff rematch) and numerous matchups with tantalizing potential for fantasy scoring, it will distract us from the inability to plug in our Chargers, Browns, Buccaneers, and Seahawks. Let’s dive right in.

• Pat Fitzmaurice’s Weekly Rankings
• Andrew Erickson’s Weekly Rankings
• Derek Brown’s Weekly Rankings

Fantasy Football Storylines (Week 5)

Party Like It’s 1995

The Dallas Cowboys and San Francisco 49ers each have five Lombardi trophies in the case. Those trophies have also been gathering dust since the mid-1990s. The 49ers won Super Bowl XXIX over the Chargers after the 1994 season, followed by the Cowboys’ triumph over the Steelers in Super Bowl XXX the following year. Those were the glory years. It seemed like the two franchises were destined to meet in every NFC Championship Game, with the victor a lock to obliterate the AFC representative in the Super Bowl.

Instead of Steve Young and Troy Aikman, it’s Brock Purdy and Dak Prescott these days. Two QBs who entered the league as anything but sought-after prospects. The supporting casts are similarly fantastic in 2023 as they were back when gasoline was less than a dollar per gallon.

Purdy has Christian McCaffrey and Deebo Samuel, Brandon Aiyuk and George Kittle. His blind side is protected by a monolith of a man who will one day don a gold jacket. The Niners are stout on defense and coached as well as any team in the NFL.

Dak has CeeDee Lamb and Tony Pollard, with his own future Hall of Fame lineman in Zack Martin. The defense is anchored by Lawrence Taylor reincarnated. Micah Parsons is a home wrecker and the leads a unit that has scored more touchdowns than the Bengals offense and the same number as the Steelers and Saints offenses have through four games.

Look for the Cowboys to try to get Purdy into conflict to expose his proneness to turnover-worthy plays. The San Francisco defense hasn’t performed to expectation thus far, lending some optimism that the Cowboys can put up enough points to make it a game. There are all sorts of ways this one can go, ranging from defensive slog to fireworks on the Levi’s Stadium scoreboard on Sunday night.

Nothing Diggs in Like a Hotspur

The Jaguars aren’t stuck in England, they’re just staying there for a while. After they flogged the Falcons mercilessly at Wembley, they merely moseyed across town for their “road game” this Sunday against the mighty Buffalo Bills at Tottenham Hotspurs Stadium. Since their season-opening loss, Buffalo’s games have had a certain “imperial” feel to them. They have won each of the contests by an average of 30 points.

The underperforming Jaguars offense surely can’t be excited to take on the Bills’ dominant defense. By the same token, Buffalo QB Josh Allen says he is “scared of” Jacksonville’s edge rusher by the same name. It seemed a bit cheeky when he said that, though. His connection with Stefon Diggs has been nothing short of amazing for fantasy managers who drafted the stack (guilty), while James Cook has put up RB1 numbers while only scoring a lone touchdown. Waking up for a 6:30am kickoff in California might sound miserable, but it sure beats an English supper.

Freshening Rocky Mountain Breece

You can be an RB1. Yes, you. That ridiculous offseason social media dialogue (Could you gain one rushing yard for $1 million?) be damned, it seems that anyone with a pulse can run on the Denver Broncos. To make matters more exciting, the New York Jets are headed to Mile High fully intent on unleashing Breece Hall exactly 12 months after his ACL injury.

What will certainly be a DFS chalk bomb, those of you who drafted Hall in the third round in redraft might have to put on non-slip shoes as to not incur a salivation-related injury. Even Zach Wilson and Garrett Wilson are viable going against the Broncos, who are playing worse than they ever did under lame duck Nathaniel Hackett. With how good New York’s defense is, Sean Payton might be daydreaming about umbrella drinks before this one lets out.

87 Plus 89 Equals Primetime Kirk (Gags)

Travis Kelce is beloved by football fans everywhere. Taylor Swift sells out every stadium within seconds, even with tickets that cost several hundred dollars a pop. Now that they’re apparently an item, the cultural melange has stirred some to excitement and others to stomach-curdling cringe. Initially, I was happy for them and thought it was pretty cool. After three weeks of social media browbeating and subsequent fatigue, I want one of them to friend zone the other.

I want to talk about Kelce’s chemistry with his main squeeze, Patrick Mahomes. I need more cutaways to Andy Reid bristling his mustache while in deep, diabolical thought. We all need a palate cleanser before our next course. Kansas City travels to the Twin Cities to take on Minnesota. The Vikings finally got in the win column when they squeaked by the Panthers in Week 4. I am begging Tay-Tay to stay home so we can actually watch the game. Steve Spagnuolo’s blitz packages and man coverage on Justin Jefferson are the only references to “Red” I can tolerate at this point. I’m not asking for anyone to take off their friendship bracelets. Just give me unfiltered, uncut football intravenously so I can heal.