My wife, the Queen of Spice, accidentally dropped a cup of habanero hot sauce and instinctively licked some of it that splattered on her hand tonight. Like Ron Burgundy jumping into the kodiak bear pit, she immediately regretted her decision. Sympathy was impossible through my hysterical laughter. I proceeded to exacerbate her discomfort by picking up the remaining sauce and dumping it on my birria street tacos instead of coming to her aid. Good thing I have a comfy couch!

You may hate me, but it ain’t no lie…baby, bye bye bye (bye)! Week 5 begins the truly twisted and cruel part of the season when bye weeks start. The Chargers, Buccaneers, Browns, and Seahawks are but a mere toe-dip into the Bye-Mageddon tar pits. Losing out on Justin Herbert, DK Metcalf, and others really stings, especially if you’ve sputtered to begin the fantasy season.

Sometimes, the spiciest picks aren’t big days from unexpected players but rather great players going ultra-nuclear. Some of this week’s featured players are no strangers to slate-breaking games. Others are hopeful predictions to the effect of advancing a blossoming narrative even further. Week 5-Alarm spicy is the goal. No mild takes allowed up in here (Not up in here!). There will be nary a victory lap without perfection. With that, tie one on and jump in.

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NFL Week 5 Hot Takes

C.J. Stroud is a Top-5 QB in Texans Road Rout Over Arthur’s Dirty Birds

The rookie from Ohio State has been thoroughly impressive thus far, but he hasn’t quite achieved elite fantasy production in the process. I believe that will be the case in Atlanta, where Arthur Smith’s QB-Peekaboo game has decidedly failed in the last two weeks. Houston’s offense hasn’t even peaked yet.

Desmond Ridder will continue to crush any chance the Falcons have in the field position battle, which will put Stroud in the driver’s seat to drop bombs on this overachieving defense. Atlanta will continue to be exposed as long as Smith stays stubborn with his myopic coaching style.

CeeDee Lamb is a Top-3 WR; Cowboys Score Fifth Non-Offensive Touchdown and Force Brock Purdy‘s First Three Interceptions To Hand 49ers First Loss of 2023

You gotta hand it to the 49ers. They still haven’t lost a game this season. The glaring oversight with this great team is how mortal their defense has looked. Dallas has hammered their opponents with a suffocating defense that takes the ball away frequently. The Cowboys have four non-offensive touchdowns through four games, more than the Bengals have on offense. The one constant beacon on the Dallas offense has been Lamb, who will be matched up with some corners whose performance has been hella sus (NorCal slang).

Purdy has been shakily solid this season, mixing a few incredible throws among his usual ocean of inaccurate or poorly-read attempts. Though on quite a lucky streak without throwing a single interception so far, I fear this will be the game that (temporarily) turns Purdy’s stagecoach back into a pumpkin.

Breece Hall is the RB1; Jets Hold Broncos Without a Touchdown and Win By Double Digits

I love Breece Hall as a player. Exactly 12 months removed from his ACL injury, the training wheels are coming off (we’re keeping the neon handlebar tassels, though). Music to fantasy managers’ ears since New York is set to take on the historically bad Broncos run defense this week. I’m envisioning, like, 180 yards and three tuddies.

The Jets defense is legitimately great. Russell Wilson‘s Broncos offense is…not. I can’t imagine Russ and his receivers having a good time up against outstanding bookend corners and a nasty pass rush that comes in waves. The Jets don’t need Zach Wilson to be good. They only need him to not bury them.

Joe Burrow Finally Goes Off for 300 Yards and Three Touchdowns; Bengals Drop a 40-Piece on Cardinals

Ye of little faith jump ship much too quickly on elite players who start the season slowly. It’s a really long campaign, and the real results occur late in the year when the weather gets nippy, and defenses are tattered and broken. The Bears were given up on after three weeks and have since put up consecutive slate-breaking performances. Don’t give up on Joe Scheisty after four weeks. He and Ja’Marr Chase are going to erupt at some point, and you’ll want to be a part of it.

Why can’t the first “told you so” breakout come this week against the scrappy Cardinals? I think this one is a sneaky shootout with back-and-forth scoring down the stretch. Burrow is decidedly more appealing for fantasy when he’s playing catchup. Good thing the Bengals’ defense has matched the offense’s lackluster form.

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