Friends don’t let friends go apple picking on brisk Sunday autumn afternoons. The Lord’s day of rest isn’t for sitting on hay bales and paying fifty bucks for a deformed gourd that sort of looks like Arthur Smith, either. Sundays are for seven hours of commercial-free football and nothing else. No pulling weeds, nor farmer’s markets. It’s jalapeno poppers, beer and that custom-made indentation on the couch that smells like Doritos dust and a halfhearted hint of Febreze.

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Fantasy Football Hot Takes: Week 8

Love is driving all around town on a Thursday night, looking at the houses that have been decorated for Halloween. With my wife, daughter, and dog in tow, the gas light in my car pinged at me right as we embarked. There’s a map on Facebook that shows where to find them, and they all have names ranging from creepy to cutesy. I aspire to have that much free time one day.

We saw killer clowns and 12-foot spiders, haunted pirate ships and a skeleton marauder atop a hedge shaped to look like a war elephant. One house on the map called itself “Witches Hollow,” and it was just a purple flood light duct taped to the roof of a Prius illuminating an array of inflatable ghosts and the Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. The oil change light came on halfway through the trip. My poor car.

I could not have jinxed myself harder than I did last week in this column. I predicted a resurgent performance from Desean Watson, who went 1-for-5 and an interception before leaving Sunday’s game. There was also a “no way Arthur Smith lets the underutilization of Bijan Robinson continue” call…oof!

Oh well. The silver lining is at least more people have joined the angry coalition of Smith-hating voices of reason. Anyway, I cooked up my Week 8 spicy predictions in a witch’s cauldron. Eye of newt, frog hair, you get the gist. Really, it’s just a nice pot of pozole verde simmering on the stovetop that would melt the eyebrows off of Sam Waterston.

Breece Hall Runs Roughshod Over Giants for 30 PPR Points; Jets Pound Their Cohabitants into the Meadowlands Mud by Two Touchdowns on the Heels of Seven Sacks and Three Takeaways

This game is technically a “road game” for the Jets at MetLife Stadium. The NFL scriptwriters really wanted to give Aaron Rodgers and Gang Green every little edge possible this year, didn’t they? Alas, this still figures to be a really long day for the G-Men. Aside from Saquon Barkley, they are just terrible. The offensive line is a sieve, while the Jets have one of the most ferocious defensive fronts in the sport.

Breece Hall is on an incredible tear over his past two games and won’t have any trouble gashing the porous Giants’ run defense. The vision that keeps flashing across my daydreaming reel is multiple long touchdown runs for the pride of Iowa State. I don’t take premonitions lightly when they’re as vivid as this.

Trevor Lawrence is a Top-Five QB with 350 Passing Yards and Three Touchdowns; Jags Melt the Steelers and Hold Them Under 13 Points

T-Law is so underrated it isn’t even funny. What he did last Thursday night against a very strong Saints defense was an impressive display of surgical precision and ballsy leadership. If he can keep tabs on and avoid TJ Watt, the Steelers will have no answers for Lawrence and his elite assortment of weapons.

No coach has failed upward with more lubricated ease than Matt Canada. Pittsburgh hasn’t gained 400 yards of offense in a game since 2020, which happens to be the season before Canada became the offensive coordinator. The streak is three times more futile than the next team on the list. The Jags have very quietly played some great defense this season, thanks to all-world pass rusher Josh Allen and some of the best ball-hawking tackling machines at linebacker in the league. All the flowers go to Mike Tomlin for pulling wins out of nowhere every season, but this won’t be one of them.

Trey McBride Earns 10 Targets and Scores a Touchdown; Cardinals Cover the Spread and Give the Mighty Ravens a Spooky SZN Scare

I liked Trey McBride before it was cool. He was a hulking freak at Colorado State and their entire offense. Now in his second season with Arizona, McBride is TE1 with Zach Ertz back on Injured Reserve (IR). A little birdie also told me that Kyler Murray is off the injury report and ready to take the reigns of a real big-boy offense instead of Kliff Kingsbury’s bastardized version of the Air Raid. The Cards were scrappy with Joshua Dobbs. They can be a real threat with K1 on the field.

My preseason MVP pick, Lamar Jackson, was all that and a bag of chips last week against the Lions. Is it crazy to think the Cards elicit a letdown? That’s a rhetorical question. Of course, it’s crazy. Arizona is second-worst in defensive defense adjusted value over average (DVOA) this season. If I’m right, this is merely a sneaky shootout where the Redbirds hold serve deeper into the game than everyone expects.

Terry McLaurin and Jahan Dotson Both Crack 100 Receiving Yards; Eagles and Commanders Combine for Highest Total of the Slate with 60-Plus Points

I couldn’t go there. I tried to type out an upset win for the Commanders, but I couldn’t keep a straight face. Any given Sunday doesn’t apply here. Philly is the best team in the league and is terrifying in every area except one: pass defense. Sam Howell famously is on pace to crack triple digits in sacks taken this season and now faces one of the best pass rushes in the NFL. These teams actually combined for 65 points in Week 4, but McLaurin and Dotson combined for just over 100 yards receiving.

Kevin Byard is the new addition at slot corner for the Eagles, by way of Howie Roseman returning to the scene of the crime when he stole AJ Brown from the Titans. He should keep Curtis Samuel under wraps, leaving Darius Slay and James Bradberry to chase McLaurin and Dotson around. This is truly as hot as a take gets.

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