Fantasy Draftathlon, Event 5: Fantasy Draft Party Food

Who’s ready to PARTY?

Mike Tagliere certainly is, after extending his lead in the Fantasy Draftathlon with a dominant win in Event 4: Sports Movies. The lovable scamp known colloquially as “Tags” finished with nearly half the total vote to jump out to a five-point advantage over runner-up Dan Harris. So it goes without saying (though we’re saying it anyway) that the rest of the field would need a strong showing in Event 5: Fantasy Draft Party Food to keep this competition interesting past the midway point.

The rules for this draft were (fairly) simple:

Each draft participant was required to build a 12-item menu including 3 appetizers, 3 main courses, 3 desserts and 3 beverages.
Participants were allowed to select any food for any category (hey, if you want to serve fish sticks as a dessert, that’s your choice. It’s a bad choice, but it’s yours nonetheless.)
Specific brand choices were required for all beer and soda selections.

Here’s a look at the results:

Final Draft Board

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Final Rosters

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Notable Omissions

Mozzarella Sticks
Salsa
Veggie Platter (don’t @ us)
Fruit Platter (see above)
Pretzels
Sushi
Tex-Mex
Pasta
Any pie other than apple
Oreos
Wine
Most beers

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Tortilla Fatigue

So when conducting a draft like this, you’re bound to wind up with a huge number of grey areas – and none confounded, confused and enraged the analysts and commissioner more than how to classify “chips.” The discussion, which lasted for a whopping 165 hours, focused on whether the selection of any tortilla chip-centered selection should result in the elimination of all other tortilla chip-centered selections.

Here’s a very, very small sample of how that chat went:

Again, this went on for far too long; ultimately, the group decided to roll with a few different varieties of chips and dip as being acceptable choices, but not before everyone called everyone else “the worst”, Dan bragged yet again about graduating from Cornell University (go Big Red!), and Bobby suggested that “because Tags took pizza, we should have crossed off anything with cheese on it.” That’s … quite a take.

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They Said It

When legitimately everyone participating in the draft lets out audible (virtual) groans after almost all of your picks, you know you’ve nailed the draft. Legitimately, this is my Mona Lisa. My David. If you came to a fantasy draft party, and the host started you with pigs in a blanket, chips and guacamole, and meatball sliders, you’re loving it. Follow that up with buffalo wings, pulled pork, and a giant sub, you’re in heaven. Finish it with brownies, cupcakes, and ice cream sandwiches, and you’re never leaving my house. Yeah, the drinks are perhaps my only weak spot, but bottled water, a soda (Pepsi), and a beer (Sam Adams)? Unless you’re going to a fancy wedding at Bobby’s house with crab legs and lobster bisque, this shouldn’t be a close vote.

-Dan Harris (@danharris80)

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This may have been the easiest draft yet. The guys simply made it too easy. We could just stop at Pizza, Beer, Chips and Dip, and Coke. I’d win even if I didn’t make another selection for the remainder of the draft. Those are the essentials for a football draft party. You know it, I know it, and most importantly, my teammates know it.Bobby decided to throw a “how much money can I spend” party. Hey Bobby, did you also get waiters and waitresses to carry the food around on platters? There may be some good food on his list, but it’s not draft party food if you have to sit down with a fork and knife to eat it. Yates is the second-place winner in my book, but mini corn dogs and pizza rolls? C’mon, dude. We’re past the 12-year-old phase. Harris gifted me pizza after taking buffalo wings with the first pick. After that, he had the definition of a mediocre draft. Not bad, but also not great.
-Mike Tagliere (@MikeTagliereNFL)

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Let me just ask you this very simple question: If all four of us invited you to a draft party with our food and that was the only difference, which party would you attend? You KNOW the answer is my party; don’t lie to yourself. Is it typical draft day food? Ehhh, no. Have I seen each of them at a draft day party? Well, not lobster bisque (I’m changing that this year), but all of the rest? Yes. Some people treat draft day like a holiday because NEWS ALERT: it is! So grill up some steaks, crack some lobster tail and even set up chocolate fondue. Your league-mates will love it so much more than the basic little kid food that all these other dorks drafted.
-Bobby Sylvester (@bobbyfantasypro)

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We saw some very good rosters assembled in this food draft by my colleagues. Dan and Tags took the top two foods on my board with Wings and Pizza, but I walked away with value at every turn. While Bobby was out here building a party for the rich and famous, the rest of us kept it simple, but yet excellent. My roster is a bountiful feast though that wouldn’t have a single crumb left over at the end of the draft. It’s the clear winner.
-Kyle Yates (@KyleYNFL)

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Draft Highlights

Tags is proud of a great many things in his life, and apparently never writing “LOL” is at or near the top:

Tags also took a good-natured shot at Bobby’s bizarre Cars-heavy tactic from the Sports Movies draft: “Bobby is in trouble. You can’t pick Mojitos, Mojitos 2 and Mojitos 3.”
Bobby made it clear from the outset that he was building the most expensive fantasy draft menu in the history of the Milky Way galaxy – which led to a hilarious persona change that shone through brightest when Tags chose one of the more popular party foods out there:

The discussion over which foods belonged in which categories led to some intentionally absurd proposals, such as Yates selecting Dr. Pepper as an appetizer (Which prompted a “Ha ha ha” but NOT an “LOL” from Tags.)
Tags, without context: “No pomegranate?!? This draft is void!”

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